During Christmas this year, I went to AZ to visit my Grandfather on my dad's side. I went with my sister and my dad only, my mom stayed here, so I had Christmas without her, this is only the second year, and i'm 17. I really think that my dad only goes to AZ to visit my grandfather during Christmas because he wants the inhertiance, which is absoutly horrid, I know.

How this all got started was that my dad asked both my sister and I if we wanted to go and visit before or after Christmas, we both said after, because all of our family gets together for Christmas, and spend the day together. That's really the only day when we're all together, so I think it's quite important. But my father purposely guilted me into saying that it was ok going to AZ for Christmas, instead of spending it here with the rest of my family. I still said that I would still rather go after Christmas, because I love my family. My dad made reservations for leaving the Saturday after school then coming back the next Sunday.

Everything was jolly and well while I was there, then my grandma (dad's mom, my dad's mom and dad are divorced) said that she wanted us to have Christmas the day after we come back, which would have been a Monday. Well that night, my dad called my Grandma and said "you picked a hell of a day" she retorted " you picked a hell of a time to go to AZ". Things were said and my dad said that he didn't, in fact, have to go over at all, and then hung up. Well that was just a jerk move on his part. My grandma tried to call my mom's phone, but my mom didn't answer because she didn't have the volume up (we found that out later...). She called back on the house phone, and I ended up picking up the phone. Let's just say that it tends to ruin your Christmas when your grandma calls you saying that she can't deal with my dad's crap anymore and that Christmas with her was canceled because of that. While saying all this she's crying, but trying to sound like she isn't.

My dad got my grandma a plasma TV for Christmas, he said for a while that he would put it in his room, and then in my mom's room, and now he's decided to go over to my grandma's house (while she's not there) and put the TV in her house. Which is a coward move from him, he can't fess up and admit that he was a jerk and basically gave my grandma a slap in the face.

On Tuesday, the day after this all happened, I called my grandma to see how she was. She was pissed and told me that my dad isn't always right, that we would do Christmas. That my dad was only after my grandfather's inhertiance. And that if my dad thought that she could forget about my grandfather not caring if my dad or uncle "had a roof over their head, or food in their mouths, he could forget it." And i think that my dad going to AZ instead of spending time here, is just a total slap in her face. She basically raised him and my uncle as a single mom.

Well today was supposed to be Christmas with the rest of the family, but it was snowing really really hard and nobody came over originally. But then I called my bf and he came over as planned, just a little later, after the snow stopped falling for a while.

 

This Christmas sucked, and it's all my dad's controlling and selfish fault. =[

For over a year you said you've cared about me. That you've loved me. That I make you happy. That I'm amazing and perfect. Well now you've come to find out that I'm not so perfect and I have flaws too. That I'm not all that amazing and probably less than an average girl. I haven't made you feel happy like I tried, I instead filled you with anger, despair, and other feelings I would never want you to feel. While you still may love me and you still might care. When I talked to you last night, I felt less than nothing, I wished I could dissapear into thin air to save you from me. I know I can be a real bitch sometimes. But I want you to know that I care, and that I love you. I don't think you got the message last night. Because you were and probably still are mad at me. I try to understand. But this time I just don't get it. I tried to talk to you the entire night, you wouldn't listen. You asked me to go and throw away your trash too, when normaly you would have said that you would get it for me (I always love a bit of chivlery, and when you do things like that, it proves my point that you are better than most guys). I got back from doing that and didn't recieve a word of thanks I alwYs try to give you. I got sick of standing by and not being included in the conversation, let alone stand inside of the "circle" you all were standing in. Yes, my love, you did try and include me once, tried to move me into the "circle" but all that happened was that j was just pushed into the back of a guy I don't know, and there you would have had me stay. I couldn't stand being ignored by you, it hurt more than words are able to describe. So I left to talk to other people. Eventualy you figured out I was no where near you, so you came looking. I was still angry at being ignored, so maybe I was unfair to you. But you talked with another friend, and this time I stood right in front of you. I was ignored again. Hurt more than before, I again walked away with what little pride I still had. I held my head up high though I felt like crawling into a hole right then. After a couple of minutes I realized I should not have walked away in such a manner. I wanted to go back and talk to you. But I was afraid. I could not admit this to you even in the phone, but I was afraid of what people would think. I always say I don't care, the truth is babe, I do. I was afraid they would think I was stupid be annoying. So I stayed. When you were walking back up into the stands, I tried to smile and tell you "hey". So you would know I wasn't mad at you and that I regretted what I did. I knew you couldn't stay. I hoped that when I reached out to you, you would understand what I meant. But I guess not. After the game when we got on the bus, I tried to talk to you yet again, and again you said "I don't really want to talk right now" or something along those lines. I was devistated. I sat in my seat with my iPod on. When we started going, I turrned it up as loud as it would go, so maybe I could lose myself in the music instead of the tears I should have let you see. I cried on the way back to the school. I took my uniform off, taking my time. I wanted to see if you would come talk to me. By then I was terrified to talk to you, I didn't want to make the situation worse. I took my time, and you took yours. I talked to an understanding friend. You messed around with yours. Still I waited to see if you would come talk to me. I decided I would walk. Damn my pride, I hate it. So I left out the back door, even after my friend said her boyfriend wouldn't mind giving me a ride, I was proving a point. Bythe time I walked around the front you were there, you yelled my name and said something else I couldn't hear because I had my headphones all the way up. I walked right by you, and told you to call me about Saturday if you still want to go. I walked home. And every person that drove by, I hoped was you. Telling me to get in the car so you could take me home. None of them were, but your friend and his girlfriend drove up and did what I hoped you would. I told them I was going to walk home, even though the girl lives right across the street from me. I walked. And every weird tree or bush, I though was someone ready to steal me into the night. Never to be seen again. But none of them were. I made it home. I called you a first time and discussed nothing like I wanted. I couldn't stand it. So I called you a second, we talked. And through that conversation I felt like the worst person in the world, I hated myself. I feel used in every sense of the word, I gave you everything I have. Yet I feel like a whore, a bitch, a gold digger, and ever derrigoatry term ever invented. I hurt then and it's only gotten worse. You said you would call me Sunday. I'm dreading and yet looking forward to that call. It's going be the conversation that will keep us together or rip us appart. Sunday can't come soon enough, and yet it. Couldn't be further away. Please don't call late at night, call as soon as you wake up, so don't torture me more than you think is necissary. I love you.

A couple of nights ago, I suddenly woke up really freaked out and absoutly scared out of my mind, I turned over looking for my nick, he wasn't there. He's never slept with me, we've never been upstairs at my house, we've never been in my bedroom, and certantly never in my bed together. But I expected to find him there, and I almost screamed when he wasn't there. This doesn't make any sense to me. The closeist we've ever been to sleeping together, was on the way to Disney on a charter bus with the back of my seat in between us. I wasn't having any sort of dream, good or bad. Why did I so desperatly expect to find him there?Why did I freak out when I realized he want there? Why did I think he was there in the first place? Any ideas?!

Today I went on a picnic with my mom, sister, couisn, and my couisn's daughter at a winery. My sister,my couisn's daughter, and I didn't drink anything, so don't worry about things like that... I got to hang out with my second couisn, she's so sweet so it was fun. (she's 5, so that could explain why she's so cute!). We walked around the grounds, and it was pretty spiffey. I chatted it up with the older people (mom and couisn). Then with just my couisn, she told me she was "so hung over from last night." even though she has a 5 year old daughter to take care of. This upset me, but of course I didn't say anything because she probably wouldn't have liked me so much for that... I <3 my 2nd couisn! I feel bad for her..

I got back from California about 2 weeks ago. But I haven't been able to write or anything because I've been away and my computer has been friggin stupid and decided to not give me internet...

But about my trip. The first 3 days I was in San Franscisco, California my aunt visited and stayed in the same hotel as us. She is so much fun, she's always so incerdably happy and up-beat. We walked from our hotel down to Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, and a few other places. We looked in the shops and did something slightly illegal with my aunt.

There were a bunch of older boats, like ones where you had to do everything... as in the like 1600's? It was amazing, and we saw a lady who looked like she belonged back in that time. So we went on the boat after her. We knew we were supposed to have tickets but there was nobody there taking them so we just hopped right on board and looked around. Someone from the park service showed up and asked for our tickets, which we did not have... and he nicely escorted us off the boat and told us a bunch of interesting stuff... As we were walking away, a nasty looking lady with a club came rushing by and started yelling at some people because they went on the boat without tickets... we were glad we got the nice, possibly gay guy, he was great!

My sister was being a total bitch about everything and it was really beginning to piss me off. I think the only reason she was acting the way she was, was because she wanted the attention from my aunt. But I do think my aunt likes me better because we have much more in common.

[UNFINISHED]